Brawling Brothers: Tools and Tricks to Minimize One Year old Twin Fights

I am not sure what happened, but somewhere around 9 months, about the time our boys started crawling, we started to enjoy being parents. Still exhausted as our little ones were waking up three times a night, but wow something magical happened. While we have seen glimpses of their personalities since they were born, more of who they are were revealed around this time. Their discoveries, adventures, and fascinations brought us new realizations of how special it is to be alive, how amazing our bodies are, and how  quickly our minds absorb information. 

By the time the boys turned 1 year old, they had become proficient at getting around on their own, and with this new found freedom they started taking each other's toys. Recently, they started fighting by biting, scratching, and hitting. While, I will be updating our tools and tricks to minimize fighting in the future, we have discovered ways to address their brawling that you may find useful. We would also love to hear about anything you have tried that works. 

Tools and Tricks to Minimize One Year Old Twin Fights

1) Create a predictable routine. Quite often, I find that there are more fights when my little guys are bored. Setting a routine with time for enjoyable activities that they can depend on helps minimize some of that boredom. 

2) No means no. Kids really need boundaries, it helps them feel safe. When I first started teaching this was so hard for me as saying no, and enforcing boundaries often meant kids cry. It took me three years to learn that some crying is a good thing. It is normal, a kid's job is to assert as much independence as they can, and as adults our job is to create the limits based on what they are ready for so they stay safe. Sure they get mad and this is never pleasant, but it is so essential, which is why we have started teaching them no. I hate seeing them cry, but they need to learn no and how to listen so outings with them are safe. 

Right now the way I enforce it is through distraction, and repetition. Using a stern voice has never worked for me, but what has is consistency. I just do not let them do what I do not want them to do, and it takes time but it works. My husband however, has a stern dad voice that lets them know that what they are doing is not acceptable. This works for him. Find what works for you and let them know that when you say no it means no. It's hard work but pays off in the long term.

3) Model the behaviors you want. Your babies are watching you all of the time, and you would be surprised how much they are learning. We have caught our one year olds putting pieces of paper near the garbage can, and when playing with shoes putting them back all on their own without having to teach them. If we want them to share, we need to model this behavior, sometimes it is staging the behavior or taking the time to practice sharing with your spouse in front of them. My husband and I have been so busy and stressed that we have not hugged each other in front of them until recently, because we have not had the chance to be together with them. It's hard to model sharing if we are not in the same room at the same time. 

4) Hug them. Everytime Ne Ne take Bahuboli's toy (it is usually Ne Ne that does this), I hug him, I then get his toy, give it back to him and I hug Ne Ne. I tell Ne Ne, his brother is playing with it and I understand he is sad because I returned the toy he wanted. I then sit with him and try to find a different toy he can play with. They do not understand why they cannot have their brother's toy or why their brother would take their toy. They just have feelings about it, and unresolved feelings can result in escalated fighting the longer their play session is.

5) Get the biggest playpen you can find. If things get particularly bad let them play separately. There was a time not so long ago, I would stagger play time. I would set an alarm and let one play in his playpen and another outside the playpen. When the timer went off I would switch them. At first the one in the playpen would cry, but after they got used to it and knew they would also have a turn out the one in the playpen just got on with playing. In order to focus on keeping both twins safe, we only leave soft toys in the playpen so we can focus on our twin playing outside, like stuffed animals. No plastic or wooden toys. This has also helped us work with one twin at a time when they were learning to crawl and walk. 

Teaching our boys to get along is still an ongoing process, but we are making progress. As a teacher I know it sometimes feels like forever before we see progress so it is OK if results are not immediate we will just keep doing the hard work and have faith we will teach them empathy, compassion and boundaries around play.